
Michael with Neo (left), Fulisha (middle), and Lesedi (right) at St. Martin de Porres School
My Lil Sis Neo
While I have never been active on online dating sites or a frequent poster on social media, I met my “sister” through Facebook. Over the past two years, I have had the honor of traveling to Soweto, South Africa through my former high school, Bellarmine College Preparatory–an all-male Jesuit, Catholic high school. During my first trip in 2014, I spent a week living at St. Martin de Porres Parish and School. Whether it was organized events between Bellarmine and St. Martin students or street soccer games, I had only been able to develop close relationships with the young men of the community. After arriving back home after my trip, I felt the desire to continue my relationships with my friends in Soweto, and so as soon as I had access to internet, I logged onto Facebook and messaged my South African friends.
After several months of continued conversation and deeper dialogue, I felt that something was missing. None of my South African Facebook friends were women. As the product of single-sex education, I found this to be disturbing, especially as I began to question the perspective of my own masculinity. As a result, my friend Dumisani introduced to his good friend and classmate at St. Martin, Neo. We soon started chatting online and questions about the struggles of high school exams led to insights on being a woman growing up in Soweto. Together, our discussions wrote several new verses in our own philosophical creeds of life. In a family of only one older brother, Neo became my “lil sis.” In a household of only one younger sister, I became Neo’s “big bro.”
A few months after first meeting Neo, I found out that I would be returning to South Africa in June of 2015 to lead the next group of Bellarmine students. Not only did this mean that I would get to dive deeper into the Soweto narrative, but it also meant that I would finally get to meet Neo in person.
As I took my first steps back onto Soweto’s tangy soil, Neo greeted me with a hug of recognition. Hours of conversations online made our first meeting seem like a homecoming between brother and sister. Throughout the week, we continued our discussions of life in person, and our presence in the physical setting of Soweto allowed me to more fully grasp some of Neo’s struggles and challenges. While physical presence allowed me to witness some of the gritty reality that constitutes Neo’s daily life, one week in Soweto was not enough. Questions of life soon transitioned into questions of when we will see each other again. This past week that question was answered as I reunited with Neo again in Soweto.
Traveling to Soweto for six weeks as a part of The Simunye Project has given me the freedom of time to invest psychic energy into those who give me life. Rather than squeezing in time during the tight itinerary of a high school immersion trip, I now had the time and energy to be present to those around me. So, I spent an entire afternoon catching up with Neo and picking up where our conversations had left off. I recorded part of the conversation so that I could share the story of my South African sister.
On Being A Woman in Soweto
Throughout my last visit to Soweto and ongoing conversations with Neo, issues of gender had often been a recurring theme. After asking Neo about her experience of being a woman in Soweto, she said, “When you come from an underprivileged background, especially when you are a girl, elderly men tend to take advantage of you. There is this thing called blessers, and if you’re a woman, you are a blessee. So they kind of bless you…they buy you expensive things like clothes, jewelry, and as a result, you have to have sex with them for their money because they are taking advantage of who you are and where you come from. I think it’s really difficult to be a young woman in South Africa as a whole. You have to stand your ground to move on and have a future for yourself.” Upon diving deeper into the role of a blesser, Neo noted that “the blesser is probably 40, 50–something like that–and you find the girl is probably 16, 20. The age difference is huge. At first, they were called sugar daddies, and now they are called blessers. They think a ‘blesser’ is more attractive.”
Hearing Neo’s explanation of a blesser frightened me. Had I met a blesser or blessee? How do I stand by my friend in a society filled with abuse and corruption? I was afraid to ask these questions, but Neo continued… “I think I’ve been through a lot. I’ve gone through stuff that someone my age could not manage to go through and end up where I am. Through what I have been through and what has happened in my life, I think by now, I should have been pregnant or had like 3, 4, 5 babies by now if it wasn’t for my mom or the people around me–the support. I wouldn’t be who I am now. I wouldn’t know what I want in the future. Just looking at life in a different way…” After saying this, Neo looked at the smoggy Soweto sky, closed her eyes, and said, “For the fact that I’ve been through a lot and I’ve learned through this process, I think people can relate to my story because many have similar situations at home.”
Hearing these parts of Neo’s story made me feel less like a big brother and more like a small child. Here I was, devastated and in need of an explanation of the evils that had tortured someone so close to me. I felt trapped. I was at a loss and an emotionally unstable state, yet Neo was there to comfort me. Questions of why did this happen and how can I help turned into Neo offering insights of how she can help me grow as a man. She said, “You don’t have to be a father just to your biological children, you just have to be a father to everybody–just be a responsible man, respect other people. A lot of men abuse their power…all the time.” With this in mind, she went on to explain her own vision of women. “There are a bunch of women who have made a difference in their lives without men ruling them. I think that should be used to change how they think. There are some women out there who are doing it, who are making it, who are successful.” In bringing light to the effects of hypermasculinity on women, Neo emphasized that women “are humans too. They have feelings too. They have their own dreams and future. You just can’t take advantage of that. I have my own mind, I have my own ideas, I can do whatever I want.”
Subscribe to Simunye Project
Simunye Project Posts
On Being A Role Model
While Neo often calls me big bro, she is an older sister herself. As I struggled to comprehend how Neo’s experiences growing up in Soweto affected my relationship with her, she told me that she had similar feelings with regard to her younger sister. On the topic of being an older sister, Neo explained, “It’s cool and not cool at the same time…because I mean you can’t go everywhere with your little sister or little brother. They see all sorts of things out there and the only way you can help them to not fall for these things is to talk to them about them, teach them, and avoid them yourself so you can be a good example for them. It’s cool and not cool.”
While noting the importance of being a strong role model, Neo also noted how the pressures of daily life can often lead to a misunderstanding of her own life story. Neo told me, “I was doing grade 10 and because I failed grade 10, I had to repeat it again. So when I failed, my cousin–we were both in grade 10–proceeded to the next grade and was like ‘Yeah you failed because you were playing and you didn’t listen and this, this, and that.’ I was like ‘How do you know I was playing? Maybe I was stressed or you’re not helping me or I’m not getting enough support from you?’ She did not consider such things. It’s such things that feel like pressure.” With this in mind, Neo emphasized that in a relationship, she looks for “trust and honesty–someone who is always there when you need. Someone you can talk to openly without fear of being judged. Someone who is just a pillar of your strength. A relationship is more like a connection or bond two people have.”
As she shivered and wrapped herself in a large, encompassing blanket to protect her from the cold Soweto breeze, Neo emanated strength that captured me in a state of awe. Upon asking her about her strength, Neo said, “I think I get the strength from my past experiences. I don’t want what happened to happen again, so by all means, I try to avoid things and I try to not react negatively. I try to be happy and remain positive to avoid conflict. It can be easy to forgive, but it is very hard to forget. The minute you think about whatever it is that happened, the emotions come back again, and the best way for me is to pray about it and to be around people where I can share my story. For me, it’s about having a strong support system to move on from the past.”